Grace is often portrayed as something beautiful, easy, and kind. But true grace—the kind that changes you—is hard. It’s difficult to extend grace to those who have hurt you, who have disappointed you, or whose choices and values you simply cannot understand. Grace is about more than forgiveness. It’s about releasing the need for retaliation, letting go of anger, and offering compassion where it feels undeserved.
What makes grace so profound is that it’s not a transaction. It’s not something you give with the expectation of receiving it back. Instead, grace asks us to soften our hearts, even in the hardest moments, to offer patience and kindness, especially to those who may never offer it in return.
Offering Grace to Someone Who Wasn’t There
We had grown up together, shared milestones, and I had always thought they would be there for me when life became difficult. But when I went through a particularly hard season—financial struggles, emotional turmoil, and a painful divorce—they were nowhere to be found.
What hurt most wasn’t that they were absent during one specific moment; it was that they seemed to have distanced themselves long before. They chose to become estranged, to put distance between us, and over time, I realized they weren’t going to be the person I could turn to for support. There was no specific falling out—just the growing realization that I was on my own.
At first, I was angry. I felt abandoned and let down by someone who I thought would be there for me. It’s easy to hold onto those feelings, to justify the distance as self-protection. But grace, in its truest form, began to whisper something different.
Grace asked me to forgive—not for their sake, but for mine. It asked me to offer understanding and tenderness, even though they hadn’t earned it. Grace reminded me that people are complex, that their absence wasn’t necessarily about me. And while I still felt hurt, I knew that holding onto anger wouldn’t bring me peace.
Grace was not about reconnecting with them or rebuilding the relationship. It was about letting go of the resentment that kept me stuck and offering compassion from afar.
The Challenge of Giving Grace When It Feels Undeserved
One of the hardest things about grace is that it’s rarely deserved. It’s easy to offer kindness and understanding to people who haven’t hurt us or to those whose values we share. But what about the people who have let us down? The ones who have chosen to walk away, or whose behavior has left us feeling abandoned or estranged?
Grace challenges us to extend patience and tenderness, even when everything inside us says they don’t deserve it. This is where grace becomes an act of strength, not weakness. It’s not about excusing their actions or pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It’s about choosing not to hold onto the bitterness that can poison your heart.
I had to learn this lesson slowly. I felt justified in my anger, and in some ways, I was. But I realized that holding onto that hurt wasn’t hurting them—it was hurting me. Grace asked me to let go, not because they had changed, but because I needed to find peace for myself.
Grace doesn’t erase the past, but it allows us to live more freely in the present. It’s about understanding that we can offer compassion, even when the other person hasn’t asked for it, and even when we know they may never return it.
Extending Grace When You Disagree with Someone’s Choices
Extending grace becomes even more complicated when the person in question has chosen a lifestyle, behavior, or set of values that clashes with your own. How do you offer grace to someone whose actions you can’t respect or whose choices you fundamentally disagree with?
This is where grace asks the most of us. It doesn’t ask us to condone or accept those choices—it asks us to see the person behind them. Grace invites us to separate the individual from their actions, to recognize their humanity even when their decisions conflict with our beliefs.
I’ve struggled with this in my own life, especially when dealing with family members or old friends who have made choices that I couldn’t support. Whether it was their treatment of others, their lifestyle, or their moral values, it was hard not to judge. But grace is about offering understanding, not agreement. It’s about recognizing that everyone is on their own journey, even if it’s not one we would choose.
Extending grace in these situations doesn’t mean lowering your standards or pretending that you agree. It means choosing compassion over judgment, empathy over anger. It’s about holding space for someone’s humanity, even when their choices create distance between you.
Grace Isn’t About What You Get Back
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of grace is that it’s rarely reciprocated. We’re often conditioned to believe that kindness should be rewarded, that if we offer patience and tenderness, others will respond in kind. But grace doesn’t work that way. Grace isn’t a transaction—it’s something you give because it aligns with your values, not because you expect it in return.
When you give grace, especially to those who may never reciprocate, it can feel unfair. Why should you be the one to extend kindness when the other person hasn’t? Why should you be the one to forgive when they haven’t even acknowledged their wrongdoing?
The truth is, grace isn’t about the other person—it’s about you. It’s about choosing to live with an open heart, regardless of what you receive in return. Grace is a reflection of your own inner strength, your own ability to rise above anger and resentment.
I had to learn this the hard way. There were times when I extended grace, hoping for some kind of acknowledgment or change. But often, that acknowledgment never came. And that’s when I realized that grace isn’t about what I get back—it’s about the peace I create within myself. When I give grace, I free myself from the weight of bitterness, even if the other person never changes.
Patience in the Process
extend grace and still feel hurt. Sometimes, we give kindness and forgiveness, but the pain lingers. And that’s okay. Grace doesn’t mean that you’ll feel better immediately. It’s a process, a practice that we must return to over and over.
When I was struggling with the hurt of estrangement, I expected grace to feel like a quick release. But it wasn’t. I had to learn to be patient with myself, to allow my heart time to heal. Grace didn’t take away the pain overnight, but it gave me the space to process it without holding onto resentment.
This is the true power of grace—it doesn’t erase the past, but it allows us to move forward with more peace and less bitterness. It teaches us that healing takes time and that it’s okay to still feel hurt even as we extend kindness and understanding.
The Healing Power of Grace
Grace heals not by fixing the other person or erasing the wrongs that were done, but by changing us. It softens our hearts and allows us to live with more compassion. When we offer grace, we are not excusing bad behavior—we are choosing not to let it control us.
In offering grace to those who hurt me, I found that it didn’t change them—but it changed me. It freed me from the need for revenge or acknowledgment. It allowed me to heal on my own terms, without waiting for someone else to give me closure.
Grace reminds us that we don’t need to carry the weight of anger or resentment. We can choose to live with open hearts, even when others don’t return the favor.
Living with Grace
Grace is a gift you give not because someone deserves it, but because it allows you to live with a lighter heart. It’s not about what you get back—it’s about choosing to offer patience, kindness, and understanding, even when it feels undeserved.
Grace is not about forgiveness, and it’s not about being the bigger person. It’s about releasing the need for control, the need to change or fix someone else. It’s about choosing compassion for your own peace of mind, not for the sake of reconciliation or approval. Grace asks you to soften, not because the other person has earned it, but because you deserve the freedom that comes with letting go.
Living with grace means letting go of the need for reciprocity. It means offering compassion, even to those who have hurt or disappointed you, because holding onto anger only weighs you down. Grace isn’t about excusing the past—it’s about freeing yourself to move forward with peace.
So, extend grace, not because the other person has earned it, but because you deserve the peace that comes with it.
